Why Men Have Extramarital Affairs: Interviews on the Reasons and Costs of Infidelity
Why do men have extramarital affairs?
Donald Trump's extramarital affair caused a sensation, but he's not alone in his infidelity. Reports indicate that one-third of married men have cheated, with some polls showing figures as high as nearly 50%; regardless of the survey, many men have had sexual relations with women other than their wives. What factors drive so many men to engage in extramarital affairs? To find the answer, here are interview transcripts.
Q: Why do married men have extramarital affairs?
A: Most men don't have affairs because of sex. I once had a patient who was very distressed about his unemployment. His wife, busy with her career, didn't notice how depressed he was. A woman at his workplace understood his feelings and often listened to him confide in her. Their mutual understanding and comfort eventually led to an affair. However, the root of the problem was a lack of communication between him and his wife. Many men become lonely and emotionally closed off after marriage. Often, a man gradually distances himself from his original social circle after marriage. As family members grow up, the wife may not have time to pay attention to him. The husband may feel neglected, excluded, and begin to believe he's just a meal ticket! To regain emotional support and sexual passion, an affair becomes his method. It often goes like this: the husband is angry with the wife, or the wife is angry with the husband; both are in a state of rage, unwilling to sit down and talk calmly, let alone have sex. So the man starts looking for a woman outside who won't be angry with him.
Similarly, discord between husband and wife can also lead to male impotence. He may become so frustrated by the marital discord that he cannot achieve an erection. Instead of talking things out with his wife, he might have an affair to test his erection. Surprisingly, without the emotional burden, he can achieve an erection. Some husbands have affairs because they cannot achieve sexual satisfaction. One of my patients, in his thirties, only had sex with his wife once a month on average, and he was always the one who initiated it. He began to feel like he was begging, while his wife treated him like a favor, which made him feel extremely ashamed. He didn't want a divorce, so he started having an affair. Another patient became impotent because his wife often rejected his sexual advances, until he met a woman seeking an affair, which brought him relief. He said he never knew how pleasurable sex could be, so he and his partner ended their previous marriages and got married. Their marriage is quite happy now.
Q: Do affairs usually end as happily as the example above?
A: Rarely. Another reason men have affairs is to avoid divorce. They believe they can express their loyalty and commitment to the marriage in ways other than sex; or they feel that divorce would be unfair to the children; therefore, they use extramarital affairs to satisfy their sexual needs.
Q: If that's the case, then why would they need to ask you for help?
A: These men, even if they believe their reasons are valid, still feel a deep sense of guilt about their infidelity. They not only betrayed their wives and families, but most of them are also deeply disappointed in themselves, their self-image completely shattered! After all, most people still believe that marriage is a lifelong commitment. The so-called prenuptial agreements and divorce are only recently being hotly debated, not traditional concepts.
Q: Do men who are having affairs secretly hope to be caught by their wives?
A: I don't think men actually want that, but if guilt increases, men often intentionally or unintentionally leave behind evidence for their wives to discover. Subconsciously, they hope to receive the punishment they deserve, and if they want to end the affair, they can use "My wife found out!" as an excuse. Therefore, some men will forget cards from their lovers in their briefcases; if the wife sees them, she will naturally become suspicious. Even without a lover's card, and even if the husband thinks he's covered it up well, a woman's intuition will still make the wife realize something is wrong.
Q: You've seen so many cases and heard so many men's voices. What are your thoughts?
A: I'm surprised that so many men who have affairs feel ashamed. After all, the affairs we see in movies and books are always romanticized, rarely showing men suffering from guilt (except for Fatal Attraction). I rarely thought about the role of money in affairs until I heard these stories repeatedly. I realized that the cost of an affair is usually very high; most men have to cover all the expenses of the date. Also, affairs quickly lose their allure and fun, and it doesn't take long for a man to want to get rid of them. I've heard too many horrible stories of men trying to end affairs; one patient, a former political figure, had an affair with a colleague (very unwise, yet a common occurrence). When the affair ended, the other woman used it against him, and he was transferred; meanwhile, his wife filed for divorce; so this man lost two women, and this happens all the time.
Q: What can we learn from so many cases?
A: An affair cannot help a crumbling marriage; it always makes things worse. Therefore, if you want a happy marriage, never cheat; instead, seek professional counseling to resolve your marital and sexual problems. In short, most marital problems stem from a lack of communication and mutual understanding. If I have already begun counseling and am trying to pinpoint the problem, infidelity from either partner will make the counseling process even more challenging. In my cases, everyone understands this: your ideal partner only exists in your mind; stop searching. You should understand that you are not a perfect partner either, so try your best to solve the problems! Because no matter who you are with, there will always be some issues.