Women on the same path: Monogamy in mammals and human nature
Women on the same road
Gibbons are monogamous, chimpanzees prefer promiscuity, and humans? Obviously, humans straddle the line between the two.
This is a study searching for the secrets of life. Forget what you think women like, just read what they have to say.
Men sometimes need to speak, and sometimes they need to remain silent. Do you know the difference? Physiotherapists warn that some secrets can ruin your relationship with your partner.
Some men feel the need for mistresses, but experts say it's best not to...
mammal
Some healthy, successful men have affairs because they can't control their sexual desires. They think extramarital affairs are fine, so there's nothing wrong with them; the problem lies in their terrible marriages. Is this reasonable? This might be a cruel joke played on us by God or the Virgin Mary. Perhaps women are naturally proponents of monogamy and need a loyal man for security; while men are naturally fickle and need to constantly change women for reassurance. Perhaps this truly is a hell on earth, where women are always chasing men who are chasing other women, and this battle between the sexes will continue forever.
Try someone else.
Is monogamy a healthy system? The answer is definitely yes. We can absolutely remain faithful for life. But unfortunately, we can also be unfaithful. There are always many physiological, emotional, or social temptations that lead a man to another woman's bed. When this happens, you might say, "Cheating on your wife is like marriage itself, a sacred custom." Little do you know, cheating may bring fleeting pleasure, but it can lead a man's life down a path of destruction.
Several years ago, I bought a book about marriage and infidelity-*The Lies of Privacy: Infidelity and Betrayal in Intimate Relationships*. Since then, I've seen many examples. Some people, after experiencing infidelity, tried to save their marriages and lives even without seeking psychological help. Some never took monogamy seriously, only realizing the importance of the problem after infidelity caused life-altering difficulties. Others had loved their wives, but as the glow and romance faded, they rushed to find new romantic partners. Of course, some men have happy marriages, their stability is truly commendable, but infidelity still lurks in some corner of their lives, waiting to destroy them. We can look at Luo's example (all names in this article are pseudonyms). He had a wonderful marriage for twenty years. He was an ordinary man, and Qian was the first important woman in his life. They shared a harmonious sex life, all the joys of life, a successful career, and healthy children, until Qin entered his life. He hadn't initially intended to hire Qin when she applied for the job, but he changed his mind after she placed her hand inside his pants. Luo was astonished that his long-held fantasies had finally come true, so he didn't resist at all. Unfortunately, before Luo understood or realized this was a common societal problem, he had already pushed himself to the brink of disaster-Luo fell in love. He divorced Qian and married Qin, whose hand never left his purse. Within a year, his life savings were gone, and Qin had run off with another man. By then, he had lost Qian, his child, and his career; he had lost everything. Before Qin appeared, he had never known he had an unhappy marriage. From then on, Luo lived a lonely and impoverished life, but he had also come to understand the "true meaning" of love.
A deadly extramarital affair
Like you and me, Luo has fantasized about being seduced by a beautiful, mysterious woman; or dreamed of spending a romantic night with a soft, supple-skinned, twenty-five-year-old single woman at the gym. So why do such impulsive actions often cause distress for married men?
The answer is that the consequences of infidelity are often unexpected, and it destroys everything beautiful that marriage has achieved. Only a small percentage of marriages end because the couple's hearts are no longer in love. Importantly, first marriages rarely end in divorce unless either party has an affair. Some people have affairs early in their lives, and although they may go unnoticed, a crack will always appear in the marriage, gradually separating the couple until they are no longer close and understanding.
Another man named Shi had been married for thirty-two years. About twenty years ago, he and his married companions began to have casual encounters with women, encounters that seemed harmless and enjoyable. Shi felt as if he had returned to the age of fourteen, experiencing the thrill of athletic challenges once again.
A few years later, problems arose. He felt a distance between himself and his wife, and felt extremely uncomfortable in her presence. His father had also left his mother after having an affair, and Shi did not want to repeat the same mistake. Finally, he confessed his absurd crime to his wife, who very understandingly forgave him.
However, her forgiveness did not bring Shi any peace of mind. He often felt that his wife was an angel, while he himself was as vulgar as a fool. Therefore, after a while, he began searching for a new woman, one he had never hurt. Caught in this vicious cycle, Shi felt he could not escape and could only take things one step at a time. Finally, Shi's wife asked to leave him, and he felt as if he were being torn apart. Although Shi and his wife had shared many happy times, being beside her now made him feel guilty and afraid. Therefore, Shi hesitated, wondering whether to be a good husband or choose his current lover; even though he didn't truly love her, at least being with her wouldn't make him feel like a fool.
Inadequate education
Although infidelity often leaves men feeling utterly humiliated, why do they still want to deceive their wives and make such attempts? The reason is simple: because no one ever tells them, "It's time to stop!" Admittedly, anyone could be attracted to a woman like Luo was to Qin, or like Shi was attracted to a series of women in that encounter. And unlike other animals, humans have a persistent and enduring interest in sex.
Having considered these questions, I believe that attraction to the opposite sex is not a justification for infidelity. We are often attracted to many things. For example, when we see a beautiful car on the street, we want to own it; when we see a neighbor's mansion that is far beyond our means, we always hope that it is ours; when other people's children are outstanding in school, while our own children are just average, we sincerely hope that the outstanding child should belong to us.
But why do most people manage to suppress these desires when appropriate? It's because acting on them would feel unhealthy to us and abnormal to society as a whole. Therefore, we wouldn't steal cars, rob neighbors, or kidnap children. But why do we consider pursuing any woman we desire to be a manly act?
First, we are often led to believe that humans should marry for romantic love. However, while dreamlike romances are intoxicating and alluring, they can also distance us from reality. The feeling of romance fades with time, but if two people are honest with each other, they will remain steadfast and supportive. The madness of infatuation will be replaced by the commitment of marriage, making the love more stable and beautiful. However, some people dwell too much on the madness of past love, and after the initial infatuation fades, they feel deceived and go out to seek it again. Each time they end a relationship, they tell themselves that none of their past partners were right for them. But they never consider that the problem lies in the fact that they themselves are not suitable men, because they are too immersed in romantic fantasies to appreciate the true meaning of love.
Secondly, humans have a natural inclination to live in groups and are better suited to large families, where we can obtain the diverse relationships we need emotionally. In a small family consisting of a husband, wife, and children, the limited number of members and lack of variety can make it difficult to meet our needs. In a small family, couples are more likely to attack each other, causing frustration or mutual dislike. If they need a close confidant or companion but find no relatives nearby to offer comfort, they are more likely to seek solace from members of the opposite sex to fulfill their needs.
Furthermore, many people in today's society grow up in broken homes and don't truly understand the meaning of family. Boys grow up with their fathers, watching them busy with work or simply watching from afar while hiding from their mothers, and they don't know how to be a truly mature man. They believe that a mature man is old enough and strong enough to leave his mother's embrace. Even after growing up, they still believe that if a man is devoted to his family and loves his children, he is not a real man.
animal nature
We are convinced that monogamy truly makes your life better. Nevertheless, I often wonder if something is wrong with the basic structure of the human body. Experts don't know for sure what animalistic traits humans possess. They don't know what humanity would look like without the progress of civilization. We often imagine our ancestors as cartoonish cavemen with low eyebrows, large clubs, and inferior courtship skills, suddenly leaping out of the leaves, club in hand, grabbing the hair of their chosen woman, and dragging her home. What kind of animal are we, really? Have our reproductive glands been completely transformed by society?
Looking at animals more closely related to us might offer some insights, as our primate relatives all have their own mating systems. If my observations are correct, the patterns in the wild might look something like this: gibbons are monogamous, living in pairs on the same tree for life to defend against external threats; Borneo's gibbons are celibate, each occupying a separate tree, only descending briefly for mating before returning to their respective trees; gorillas practice polygyny, with strong males recruiting groups of young females as their wives and concubines, and spending their lives fighting off younger males who try to encroach on their territory (so, gorillas are either celibate their entire lives or busy protecting their wives and concubines); chimpanzees follow a divorce system, with males and females usually living separately, but occasionally males will suddenly attack and rape a female before escaping. While some details may be dramatized, it's clear that this pattern can also be found in humans.
From this, we can understand that humans can easily abandon their instincts to adapt to their environment. It's not that humans lack the instinct to support monogamy, but rather that our instincts are always more easily overcome. In fact, this isn't necessarily a bad thing, because in many ways, human malleability is a major key to our species' success. Because we rely less on instinct, we can be shaped into the expected form through education. However, in today's culture, our education about the values, benefits, and pleasures of monogamy is so lacking.
Monogamy is not only more pleasurable and better able to satisfy deeper needs than marriage; it is also a necessary condition for the survival of the human race. We can understand this by briefly reviewing the development history of other primate kingdoms.
Animals exhibit many behavioral differences, but they can be broadly categorized into two main groups: social animals and nest-building animals. Most social animals are proponents of polygamy, with males often possessing large horns and devoting all their energy and time to fighting other males to determine who is worthy of winning a female's heart. Therefore, aside from grazing, they have little energy left for other endeavors. Nest-building animals, on the other hand, lead more complex lives, with most adhering to a monogamous model. Thus, males, in addition to providing sperm, play a crucial role in educating the offspring. Nature seems to have ordained that infants will one day spend a significant amount of time raising their own offspring, therefore, both parents should guide their children through the entire nurturing process.
We all agree that swans are among the animals most likely to stay with their mates for life. Although they practice monogamy, occasionally one of them may have an extramarital affair due to restlessness, which can be destructive to the marriage. The adulterous male will abandon his partner, just like in human marriages, and harm innocent children.
Necessities for social survival
Most societies disapprove of consanguineous marriage. Furthermore, most societies strictly limit extramarital sexual activity. This is because if no one is willing to raise children, the society will disintegrate, its culture will cease to exist, and no one will be willing to care for the needs of the younger generation. The phenomenon of consanguineous marriage serves as a warning of a society digging its own grave. Some well-established societies do allow polygamy, and some places permit men to take concubines (any wealthy man desires a concubine), but divorce is not permitted.
In this way, marriage and men's responsibility for raising children are maintained. Divorce is permitted in some places, but adultery is punishable by death. While extreme, this system does control certain promiscuous behavior and allows those trapped in marriages a release. Some places even allow you to have more than one wife; although polygamy is tacitly accepted in most cultures, if you want a third wife or concubine, you must be prepared to care for her for life. I know that only one percent of men in Pakistan choose to have concubines; under this polygamous system, regardless of how much society allows, encourages, or demands polygamy, most people still choose monogamy.
Humans do indeed possess the instinct to maintain monogamy, although it has gradually diminished in modern culture. However, the jealousy we experience during passionate love stems from this core characteristic unique to monogamous animals. You will never see sociable animals like dogs or cats showing jealousy over females, nor will you see social animals displaying jealousy. Of course, bulls and stallions will fight other males to control the herd, but they will never fight over a single female. When human men and women are bound by mutual constraints, the intervention of a third party causes considerable turmoil. We unconsciously maintain fixed relationships with another person; if this isn't innate, what other explanation is there?
Ironically, unless you and your partner are at the peak of your relationship, human animals are easily attracted to a third party. This feeling, like the instinct for polygamy, is intoxicating when things are going well, but becomes distressing when the good feelings fade. Therefore, I often tell my patients that they should not suppress this tempting feeling; sexual fantasies are one of the greatest pleasures in life, and if you don't release them outside, you can bring that excitement home.
Having seen so many cases of patients having extramarital affairs, we might believe that humans fundamentally possess an innate tendency to support monogamy, willing to remain faithful for life until one partner dies or loses their virginity. However, once a man breaks his marital vows, he feels disgusted by the ruins of his marriage, making it unbearable to tolerate the atmosphere at home. After ending the affair, he may still deeply love his partner-the mother of his children-yet sexually, he feels guilt, shame, and jealousy. At that point, he might seek out another woman he hasn't hurt, beginning another cycle of infidelity.
Tragically, we often believe that problems in our marriage drive us to seek refuge in another woman's arms. Infidelity is the worst way to solve marital problems; and constantly seeking mistresses cannot satisfy sexual needs. Because a man with a happy, healthy marriage is better able to enjoy the pleasures of love than a man with a string of lovers.
Some men betray their virtuous wives and happy marriages simply because they believe they should, not because they want to. There are also men who simultaneously enjoy extramarital affairs while tearfully telling their lovers how much they love their wives. They believe that a man should deceive his spouse, and that "deeply loving his wife" is utterly shameful.
Both men and women possess the instinct for monogamy, but for humans, instinct alone is insufficient. If you've already begun to betray your partner, hoping some divine, instinctive power will save you and drag you back to your wife's bed, forget about it! You must rely on your own wisdom to avert the disaster brought about by this betrayal. Believe me, you can do it. Simply get out of bed, put on your pants, say goodbye to that beautiful young woman, go home, and tell your wife that you will preserve this home forever. Then, do whatever you want, abandon everything, and thoroughly enjoy it. When you embrace your wife, you can transform sexual fantasies into sexual energy, allowing you to make love to her again and again.